A joyful crucible

Each day begins as a reflection for a disciple, a constant internal wrestling of the will, a reflection of whether following Jesus means a joyful escapade of exiting adventures and lasting fulfillment or a pathway that leads to a crucible path into the scorns of afflictions.

Some say following Jesus changed their lives for the better. Some testify that having Jesus in their life has given then peace in a world raging in havoc. Some say that when they have Jesus, they are blessed materially and that life seems like a steady flow of outpouring blessing that depicts a stream flowing and steering them to paths always filled with green pastures. A life that's void of hardship and pain. After all Christ died instead of them for sins that were supposed to condemn them to the gallows of death. But now, it's all a steady flow of blessing because God ultimately sees us in Jesus.

But is this what following Jesus entails? Does this reflect a theology that is close to what it means to be a disciple of Jesus? I think too much of our teachings stem for the spring of what i mentioned above. Most of our daily inspiration and preconceived ideas are directed to a meaning or passage of blessing that entails bliss forevermore. And because of that we crucify to death the meaning of following Jesus.

I think in my own reflection, in the walk of following Jesus, the best description i can use to describe how it feels on an experience basis is a joyful crucible. It is a parody really. The meshing of joy and pain married together that we do not have enough words to convey meaning to this experience. There is really true joy and peace that one experiences when one meets Jesus and seeks to walk faithfully with him. But another side of the coin is the constant tug of pain that a complicated spheres of life can dent the best disciple to probing questions filled with angst on how to develop a hopeful trust.

That is why the only 'logical' side of understanding life is the obedient outflow of meaningless obedience that would eventually be revealed and vindicated in Jesus in the Resurrection of our bodies. As the experience of getting the tattoo above would depict it is a joyful crucible indeed.

My Own Prison,Death by Paper Cuts and Philemon

My Own Prison

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

Creed's debut album "My Own Prison" made headlines somewhere in 1997 as a promising band and statistics aside they were one of the greatest bands around. There were alot of spiritual overtones generated from their lyrics which I could really relate with. Even at this time now, after the break up of the band I continue to listen to them (though I can't help thanking their break up for the birth of my fave band Alter Bridge). One song that's resonating now is "My Own Prison".

The lyrics of the song (if I still remember correctly) was written about their friend who had committed suicide.To me it talks about the realization that there is a point of escape but only on realizing the accusations are ours alone. The depiction of the person in the song is one that doesn't want to get up and take responsibility of their life and move on. A person that mirrors the past defining the future and never pulling him/herself through the ruckus. In a nutshell, to me, the song talks about taking responsibility.

I would like to convey what I'm going through literally but that would be revealing too much (I have taken much heat of writing too literally on my opinions and feelings in the past). I can only say that today marks the day when "my own prison" that was killing me by "paper cuts" is being challenged to the new possibility of "the reconciling love of God in Christ " (Philemon 1 and this post).

Some Sort of Feeling

Going back to the college again and taking up a module (to salvage something) on counseling is cool for my mind but sort of uncool for my appearance. Generally I got to know that 'pastors' are forbidden to have long hair (that's if you call mine long. It is kind of, but it's not that long.). There were a few people who still regarded me as a human being but i just feel a sense of rejection. Wow talk about a place that is teaching about God, and saying that Christianity is about relationships and freedom, we are not under the law. Sure, we can buy all those things but it's a hoax.

I mean, does it matter how we dress? We say we must be smart. I got to know that there is such a thing as how an SIB member dresses. Wow! We have dress codes in SIB. Amazing but i would rather call it SAD! It is kind of sick. No wonder we don't have people outside who find that there is anything interesting about Christianity or the thing about following Jesus. To be a Christian is sort of like wear a certain kind of dress code, keep tidy, don't drink, smoke, hold girlfriend's hand in public, go out with girlfriend in public (don't you just wonder why these relationships look for secluded areas because Christians are JUDGEMENTAL), don't have long hair, don't wear torn jeans, has to be smart when going to church, has to speak a certain way, and the list goes on. Welcome to religion! But then we say it's about freedom and relationship. Well if the list talks about freedom and relationship to you well well you just painted another name for religion!

You know what? I am tired of this kind of Christianity. It's sort of sick. In the end Christianity becomes more an image thing rather than a relationship with God and the community. I'm just tired. I feel rejected by my own peers. You know when they had tea breaks, i would prefer to get myself as far away from that community. It's a pain. How would those outside feel. I would spell it for you: REJECTED.

Remember that Jesus sat at the table with the wrong crowd. Are we still rooting with Jesus or the Pharisees? We have to ask this question.

'Leaning' to (Christianity that makes a difference)-Brian Mclaren

I have been thinking...

I've been thinking lately about authenticity...about how we as followers of Jesus are really authentic in our confessional practices. What i mean here is, in praying, in reading the bible, in church, well thats the whole context that i am talking about.

Like, sometimes when we are in a prayer meeting, and it gets really really boring. We hear people speaking of things that dont really connect, like they are going round and round. And nothing is really going on great. Does this sound normal? Ok, now we are asked to pray about something, a certain issue or a need. People looking rather dour and pale and lifeless when the explanation of the prayer matter is shared. There is no convincing stare of interest. Then when we ask to pray, people just spark with very faithful words, belief that God would answer prayer. I mean in the whole setting of boringness thare is a belief in God that he will answer prayer. That sound rather dull.

To me, personally, sometimes when i am in these situations i find it more truthful to what i feel and truthful to God that i just ask him questions. Because i just dont feel like i should fake it. We do that all the time when we are asked to pray aloud! I mean it would look a funny and pethetic sight if we were in God's position and see that. Sometimes i think its something that we just down play. Like we always have to do it like that, we always have to pray like that. CAnt we actually pray with truth? I mean when we are doubting we tell God, when we feel weak we tell him, when we are confused we let him know. WE dont do that often. Why?

We say that God knows how we are inside but its more of a show now. So that peole get fooled at how believing we are although we dont mean what we pray. HOw shoud we combat this untruth? Can there be an enviroment where we can create to encourage authenticity? I want to see that happen...