Tuesday, March 25, 2008


I feel, so...empty confused angry, frustrated, lost, cant do anything, no power (wish i had), feel like a liar, can i even know a glimmer of truth, i wish i could be truthful to perfection without a mask, i wish i could communicate and people all people young and old would hear without me repeating and just understand, i wish i dont have to be so down by my emotions, so bogged down by them, i wish its just easy to rise above my helpless feeling, self pity, i love it too much i guess. I love to feel sorry for myself cause i feel safe in my own comfort, not other peoples. If other people comfort me, i will always think that there is always a hidden agenda. Its so hard to trust to build it and see if it is working. I'm not good in that, i like to control it i think. I just dont have enough faith to see if trust will grow.

Why am i so bogged down with emotions and feelings, i just think like someone without brains if im in this mood. The thinker that i am i just become so dumb and stupid doing things that i would regret later. I just feel helpless now. I feel shitty. I feel like dump, i feel like the worst kind of smell there is. I stink!

What love then can You offer me. I puke at Your ways and i just am scared to follow them. Yet you say you love me? Look at me? Why would you even care? I'm no good. A double minded puke, not bold when i should be, not disciplined enough when i know, i love laziness, love doing nothing, hate responsibility and here you say i love you to be able to live in you. Dude, look in me and how could you possibly? At points if i really am telling the truth by my actions im just saying i hate you..... Im not worthy of any love. What love can you offer? Im broken and cold, i just want to be loved and feel secure....

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Hopeful Theo

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OIL TOWN, SWK, Malaysia
I'm a student of Theology (currently and will always be one). I'm a student of culture and a student of music as well. I guess you could say life is a never ending journey of learning. Because of that we never stop being students. Just a little something about this blog: Deconstructing The Monkey is all about being a safe space for emerging conversations